TFM:Dangers Of Information Technology

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Dangers Of Information Technology

James Wondrous-sex

Yes, there are dangers lying in wait for those completing an IT course at UTS and no, no-one told you about them. That's what this section is for. As part of our agreement with the University Council we must disclose fully all risks involved to all new students of their respective courses. After reading this document please sign in the space provided below.

Nasty Physical Disorders[1]

  • Malnutrition from living on food machine fodder.
  • RSI Repetitive Strain Injury. The keyboards on the desktop computers you will have to use are so jammed and sticky that if you don't get RSI while using them you will build up incredible finger muscles and become afraid to handle eggs, delicate fruit and small children.
  • Carpal Tunnel Syndrome see RSI.
  • Short-sightedness Are you sitting in a computer lab? Look around. See how many people have glasses. You could be next. We suggest you rest your eyes five minutes out of every 30. Go look out the window. Walk down to the dreaded food machines in Building 1 or the (In)Convenience Store. When you get back someone will have taken your machine, but don't feel bad, they will be legally blind by the age of 35.
  • Rickets You need vitamin D. Your body synthesises vitamin D when the skin comes in contact with direct sunlight. Nothing in the foodmachine supplies vitamin D. If you don't get enough vitamin D your bones will grow soft and you will become bow-legged. The radiation from the monitors is not enough to replace the much needed natural light and besides, it causes...
  • AGONH Which stands for Accelerated Growth of Nasal Hair. You will know this is happening by the sound of gentle rustling and a tickling sensation on your upper lip. ProgSoc policy is get them hairs trimmed and Wear! More! Lead!
  • Acne This also comes from living on food machine fodder.
  • Skin Disorders You spend so much time working on assignments in front of the computer that you are forced to give up almost all personal hygiene routines. You stop looking in mirrors. The nastier, more alert breeds of fungus take advantage of this to make babies all over you. You may not realise this until you catch your reflection in the glass front of the food machine.
  • Piles Also known as haemorrhoids. These are brought about by the hard seats and Mr Freezy air-conditioning in the labs. Bumgrapes, as they are affectionately known, can be alleviated through a change of diet (i.e., nothing from the food machine) and the application of that soothing salve Preparation H.

Nasty Psychological Disorders

  • Ambiguity Computers cannot handle ambiguity; everything has to be spelled out for them. This is actually contagious to people, the ferocity of the infection related directly to the length of exposure. The only known cure is a transfer to an Arts degree. If you don't want to do Arts it's probably too late for you: congratulations, you're now a carrier. First signs of infection manifest as...
  • Rampant Pedantry Can't handle ambiguity? Don't want to do Arts? Did you find three errors in this sentence? Does that make you fume? Welcome to rampant pedantry, which has nothing to do with an attraction to small children. You will drive your relaxed easy-going friends quite mad, perhaps even alienate them, as you correct their speech, their grasp of current events, and their personal philosophies/religious beliefs. No one will sit next to you in the cinema because you keep pointing out the invisible wires and the plot inconsistencies. Lecturers will avoid you in the corridors because you spent all of their last lecture bringing up arcane lore to contradict their examples. Your definitions of pedantry will never end.
  • Logomania As a result of your pedantry you will becoming exacting in your use of English, necessitating your learning of the exact definitions of many, many words. You will lose the ability to communicate simple messages in less than 50 multisyllabic words. Your conversation will be become sprinkled with vagarious, byzantine metaphors and metonymies. Your vocabulary will annoy English majors.
  • Monomania There is a possibility that you will become obsessed with one portion of the field of IT, such as News or Instant Messaging or Games[2]. You will talk about nothing else. You will find other people who share your obsessions and you will all lose touch with reality together.
  • Amphetamine Psychosis The dangers of too much Coke and coffee. You will become irritable, paranoid. You will begin to hear things and lose the ability to sleep.
  • Depression Perhaps this will be caused by bad marks in your exams; more likely than not it will be caused by the NutraSweet in the Diet Coke that you are drinking.

Signature: ........................................

  1. Not listed here is muscular strain from running up the stairs in Building 10 without doing any limbering-up exercises first, when trying to reach your assignment print-out before someone else.
  2. We're not joking: In 2002, two people died from exhaustion/malnutrition after 32 and 85 hours of non-stop gaming.
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